that time i fell in love, part 1

whoa. wasn't sure i'd ever truly be able to write those words. in love. after blanton and the boy and the hell that ensued over the past 5 years, i honestly believed there was another path for my life. and i was pretty much ok with that.

and then he reappeared in my life.

you see, last year we "met" (i use quotes because we went to the same high school and middle school he was just the grade behind me, my dad coached his older brother in baseball, and our parents already knew each other) at a mutual friend's party. the same friend who had tried to set us up in december of 2012. but timing being what it was things did not pan out. thankfully, the night we were supposed to go out for the first time, i'd already cancelled because my mom wanted me to go to see my sue-sue with her. on the way home from doing that, my mom and i got into the biggest fight we've ever had. complete with tears and angry words and broken hearts. then the date was rescheduled as a more of a hangout after said mutual friend's annual girl's christmas ornament exchange. only i'd been sick that week. hated my body and had no desire to pretend to be ok, so i bailed after the girl part of the party and blamed it on being sick earlier that week. he texted and asked where i was and i told him, but i guess two cancelled dates were enough because he didn't reach back out. until may 5, 2013 and the mutual friend's annual cinco de mayo party. i thought i was in a better place and enjoyed the day with him talking easily, maybe even flirting a bit. then he walked me to my car and asked if we could hang out again. i wholeheartedly said yes, of course. the following sunday night we had our first date and it went well. it was easy, fun, comfortable and he was such a gentleman.

but i immediately started pulling back. getting scared. wondering why in the world someone as kind and thoughtful as him would want anything to do with me. not understanding why he'd want to date a fat, undesirable mistake ridden girl. so i did the logical thing, i closed up and pulled back and was horrible to him. i was selfish and thought only of guarding my heart and was careless with his. he, on the other hand, was the most thoughtful, old fashioned, understanding MAN i had ever met. it was like i was blind to him. i finally realized how terrible and unfair i was being and told him that i didn't need to be dating anyone at that time because i clearly couldn't handle it. he deserved so much more than the way i was acting. i hurt him and it sucked. for all i knew, i had just let go of the best thing in my life because i couldn't pull my shit together.

and then i saw him in october....