what if...

on Sunday, my amazing church, ethos, revealed our plan for Resurrection Sunday and the week following, which we are calling Resurrection Week. the plan started with a simple question, what if we didn't put any constraints on what God could do? what if we pretended there was no money issue, manpower issue, time issue, etc? what would we want to do in His name? the leaders asked this question and came up with several answers and a plan. raise $200,000 on Resurrection Sunday and use that to love people in our city the following Sunday and beyond. a lofty goal? sure, but my God is SO MUCH BIGGER than anything i can dream up. 

our pastor encouraged us to ask the same question of ourselves. what would i do if there were no constraints on my finances, time, etc? how would i hope God would use me?  those who know me, know that this summer i fell in love with seattle. "coincidentally" one of the missions the Resurrection Sunday will support is the planting of a church in seattle by a family who is currently training and preparing at ethos. hmm....is that a God-wink (what i call coincidences) leading me towards seattle? i don't know, but it is worth praying about. i wrote this on the plane to seattle in august:

I sit on a plane on my grandmother's 89 or 90th bday (she wouldn't tell her real age) wondering why I am here and if I will have to courage to keep praying for the life I so desire.  The life away from fat, thin, food, depression, and loneliness and into the life of Love, service, and  obedience to the only One that matters. He is where my worth comes from, in Him is where I find completeness and fulfillment. I want nothing more than to submit to the life he has planned.  A life, I feel, may not be in the sheltered world of Franklin, TN.

I read a book today. It was about human trafficking, something that has been on my heart for years. I am HUNGRY for information about this, about Moldova, about Project Rescue, about a life like His. The stirrings in my heart seem to become louder everyday as I realize that the "American Dream" I thought my life would be, might just be crap compared to the one He has in store for me.

What if my life meant moving or at least going to Moldova? What if it meant giving myself back to the One who died for me?  What if fear of losing the life I thought I would have mattered less than the promise of a hope filled life with Him? Serving the women who the world forgot, the world undervalues, the world treats as inhuman.  What if my f***ed up life could make a difference in theirs? What if I never marry or have biological kids, but I have the privilege of being in love with my Savior and being a mom, sister, and friend to countless others?  What if that was enough? What if that is enough?

How do I rearrange my life? How do I even begin to say that, while I know I am so blessed, I honestly am coming to believe that my world isn't the precious hometown that I love. And my life may not include a husband and kids. And what if that is just fine?

I know that my worth in this world comes only from my Savior - I know it. I need to meditate and pray so much more on this, but the constant tug at my heart that my life might be planned as something totally different will not go away.  

that's actually the first time i've read that since i was in seattle. God is pulling and tugging at my heart and it is terrifying, but so freeing. i am coming to know the divine romance of loving Him and i cannot possibly want for more than whatever He has in store for me. i need y'all to pray for me about this. about God's will for my life. about what He can do if i quit putting limitations on Him. 
My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
Glory down all the generations!
Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!

~Ephesians 3:14-21, The Message