this week

i've had a bit of a rough week. behavior-wise i've been ok, but i've had more moments than i like of squeezing my eyes shut to hold back tears. of squeezing my fists open and closed to feel something. of physically counting like a child 1,2, 3 to slow my brain and actions down long enough to think. the loneliness has crept in. i've had a busy week- volunteering at the nashville rescue mission on monday, keeping precious AG on tuesday, book club dinner on wednesday, and finally a night home on thursday. my house was a mess. i was tired. i need my eight hours, my body does not cooperate without it. so i was waking up nearly an hour later than usual because i was going to bed an hour later (yes, i like to go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5). weeks like these while so fun and full of experiences i wouldn't change for anything leave me vulnerable to behaviors. one of the things they teach you in recovery is to H.A.L.T. this means before you engage in a behavior you stop long enough to ask yourself: am i hungry? am i angry/anxious? am i lonely? am i tired? for me i add an S and ask am i sick? these are all triggers than can lead to acting out with behaviors.

i'm learning as i walk this road that punishing myself and shaming myself is the main reason my eating disorder still exists. i still get angry/shamed when i am hungry. i hate it. my knee-jerk reaction is that i have enough "stored energy" on my body that it doesn't need food.  so most times if i'm hungry, i'm pissed. and sometimes just one "bad" food can knock the whole day off. that almost happened twice this week. but thankfully, i was able to eat dinner even after making a snack choice that i wasn't thrilled about. why'd i snack in the first place? because of the last 2, lonely and tired. it's exhausting sometimes to put on the happy face of it's ok that i am alone. and yes, while i am choosing that right now, i think i am choosing it partially out of fear. it's pretty darn safe in my little bubble. no one can hurt me again because no one gets in. all of my closest friends are married. most have kids or are close to that point. i love this and i love those ladies and their babies, but i feel like i get lost in the shuffle a lot because i don't have a husband or boyfriend. with the exception of a few, i don't get invited over to people's homes to just hang out or for dinner like i would if i was 1/2 of a couple. i think this just makes me realize one of biggest fears and that's being forgotten. not being important enough for someone to remember. for someone to check in on. for someone to celebrate. i don't mean any of this as a shot against my friends. they are amazing people. it's just part of dealing with this season of my life. with being ok, with knowing that no matter how i feel in the moment, i am NEVER alone.