the mean girl

we all know them, right? we've all, regrettably, been one at some time or another. but you hope that ends in high school or maybe after sorority life. but it doesn't. even at 31 i have to deal with the mean girl. the one who thinks everything she says is funny or sarcastic and that it's ok because she's "just joking." the one that it's easier to appease than fight because she never changes. the one that if you call her out you know that will just lead to more back-stabbing, gossiping crap. but that doesn't mean her words don't hurt. it doesn't mean her words can't trigger. it doesn't mean her words don't embarrass you. yes, i know this is her deal. her hateful words have more to do with her than with me, but it still hurts. whoever came up with the adage "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" didn't know what they were talking about.

words are so powerful. and can be used to lift people high or rip them down, even just as a "joke." because let's face it, usually "just joking" just means you think you can say something mean and get away with it. 9 times out of 10 you have no idea what the person you are making a flippant comment about is going through. you have no idea that getting out of bed was an accomplishment for her that morning. or that smiling through tears is a normal occurrence. or that the night before his heart was broken. or that she is in recovery from an eating disorder.

a flippant remark today by a mean girl has me nearly in tears. and it took all i had to eat my lunch in front of people, thankfully, she made her jab and disappeared to her office, but others were there. they heard it. did she mean to be cruel? probably not. did she even think about what she said? probably not. would common sense tell you that the comment was, at best, pointless? one would hope. you'd think that seeing someone on pretty much a weekly basis for 5 plus years and watching a transformation in their body would lend you to think that maybe there's something going on there. maybe commenting on what she is eating or not eating or usually eats isn't the best idea. or most helpful. or kind. or compassionate. or any of your damn business.

it was a stupid and untrue comment (that i don't eat anything that's not covered in chicken and cheese and she's never seen me eat steamed veggies), but it has wrecked my day. i am trying so hard to fight the voices in my head that tell me i'm unhealthy, i'm fat, i'm unworthy and that all that is determined by what is or isn't on my plate, IT IS SO HARD. i'm fighting back tears but i'm here. i'm writing. i ate my balanced lunch. i'm not going to binge or purge and i'll even eat dinner, hopefully. pandora on my casting crowns station helps. saying over and over again over the voices that I AM WORTHY simply because of Christ helps. He and He alone make me ok. makes me beautiful. i am so grateful to have been captured by that love. 5 months ago today would not have been pretty.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth." Psalm 139:13-15

thank you, Jesus.