on being "alone"

sorry i've been MIA. i've been posting in my head but hadn't taken the time to stop and sit and write. this topic is one that has been brewing for awhile. i'm blessed to know people in all stages of life- single, divorced, married, kids, no kids, mid-twenties, late 30s, and even 50s. it's interesting to me to think about how different the word "alone" means to each group. i guess before i start making assumptions for others i should tell y'all what being "alone" means to me.

in college and law school being alone meant i wasn't good enough, smart enough, skinny enough to be worthy of a boyfriend. it meant days and nights of bad decisions as i desperately tried to push away the loneliness. if i was alone then i might actually have to deal with myself. i might actually have to examine myself, my soul, my heart. and nothing seemed more terrifying than that. so i learned how to numb out with "relationships," with binging and purging, with staying busy, with TV, with anything that had noise. being alone was the worst possible thing because all i thought it meant was that i wasn't good enough for someone to love. i wasn't able to look at being alone as something different than loneliness. to me, loneliness is what you choose to feel and wallow in. it's the feeling you have in room full of people as you stand in the corner. it's the way your heart aches when you try to force love at the expense of yourself just because it's better than being alone. it's the result of inaction and bad choices and not knowing yourself. it's the result of numbing out.

"alone" is something totally different. alone is a an active choice. and it can be a positive or negative one. i wish i could rewind 5 years after breaking up with the boy (we'll go back to the old nicknames) and appreciate the time alone to figure out who i was and what i really wanted. instead i feared loneliness and jumped head first into the most destructive relationship of my life. i used to call him reagan, but that seems an insult to our late president, so how about blanton. anyway, the fear of being alone and not choosing that only leads to loneliness and satan has such a good time torturing us with loneliness. and bringing in every insecurity we have pushing us farther and farther down. it did a number on me.

i can now say that i am choosing to be alone. not lonely, but alone. i am actively choosing not to date and to take time to learn myself. to learn the true love of my Savior. to wait for the man who loves Christ and finds me through that love. do moments of loneliness, doubt, hurt still creep in? of course, satan is a crafty m-fer. but what i finally know and believe to be true is that i am NEVER alone. the Father is always with me. the Holy Spirit in me.