i wear purple

this week marks the NEDA awareness week. there's a campaign called "i wear purple" that people are doing on facebook to bring awareness to eating disorders. so i thought i should think about "why i wear purple." in other words, why i am still walking this road? why am i still fighting? this world tells me that being food obsessed is normal. that dieting, not eating, binge eating, over exercising, etc is all normal. everyone does it. and maybe that's true. maybe the vast majority of people do do it.

but my God tells me not to conform to the world, but to be transformed by Him. Romans 12:2 in the message version of the Bible puts it this way: Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. i love this! and the past few months i have seen how true this is. i am being changed from the inside out. my life since an intensive therapy/spiritual retreat in november has been radically altered by the Father. my shame is gone. i have finally been able to leave all the crap in the past and accept the unconditional love of my Savior. i finally quit cheapening His sacrifice on the cross by thinking that i am the exception somehow to His grace.

giving God my eating disorder has been a SLOW process and it's still an evolving one. the past month has been pretty good. i've been able to keep from bingeing on certain foods, kept my food journals pretty consistently, and been able to eat a bit more mindfully, or at least be aware of when i'm not. one thing i've started to notice is that i want to be able to enjoy food. hmm, i almost wrote again, but i don't think that would be true. as long as i can remember i've fallen into the eat to live category as opposed to the live to eat one. i don't want to be that person. i want to enjoy food. i want to taste the sweetness of strawberry, the gooeyness of a chocolate brownie, the spice of thai food, etc. God gave me taste buds because i'm supposed to enjoy His creations. He could very easily give me manna everyday like He did the Israelites in Exodus 16, but He doesn't. He gives me the opportunity to eat a variety of His creations and gave them each a unique flavor because He wants me to enjoy it. not feel guilty or shameful. not to eat to a point of pain and abuse this blessing. it's a helpful way for me to look towards recovery.

so why do i wear purple? because one day i will be free from negative thoughts about my body, one day i will enjoy eating, one day i will really savor and taste the food i put into my body, and ultimately more days than not i will be grateful for the blessing of a diverse diet and food will be just a good part of my day.